Total Darkness

Yesterday we drove to the Marianna caverns. They’re air filled caves. You go down a set of slippery limestone stairs and into this cave. The temperature remains a constant 65º year round. After coming from the humid 90+ degree day it felt downright chilly in the cave. There is electricity throughout the cave. You have to crouch to get through some areas. In the center of the cave they demonstrated TOTAL DARKNESS. There was literally no light, none. Your eyes will never adjust to total darkness. It’s impossible and hard to describe the totality. Then, the tour guide explained that the early explorers had a single lantern that was as bright as a match. He then lit a match and it’s incredible how much light it threw off. In total darkness there is no light but all you need is a tiny spark to see ahead. Life can be sorta heavy. I mean there are things constantly taking your attention, fighting for prominence in your life. Between housework, kids, work-work, mom life, trying to have a social life, exercising, eating right, and all of the other obligations and expectations it gets heavy.

I’ve had periods in my life where I have felt hopeless. I have had months where life just feels like too much to bear. Or not even too much to bear, just a crushing weight on my shoulders. Still, moving forward just at a snail’s pace.

In April, I had a panic attack. Legit can’t breathe, also can’t stop crying, and just overwhelmed with everything going on, panic attack.  I then reached out and asked my family doctor for an anti anxiety med. I realize there is a weird stigma with mental health and depression and anxiety. People throw it around so casually but it’s real. I’ve been on a low dose of zoloft now for a few months and feel like I can handle life. I’ve been a lot less explosive and the one of the best parts is I’m sleeping! Instead of worrying all night about ridiculous hypothetical scenarios. I don’t know if I’ll take zoloft forever. Right now I’m just focusing on the day to day. I don’t really know why I’m telling y’all this except I am trying to be transparent. I’m definitely not perfect. I’m just so glad I was able to reach out in a moment of total darkness and find that spark.

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