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Clean 30

So, this summer, well let’s be real. Ever since my blood test result came back as positive for the BRCA1 mutation, I’ve been off the rails with my eating. I’ve gained something crazy. I don’t actually even know how much I’ve gained. My clothes aren’t fitting right and I definitely am not feeling comfortable in my skin.
I’ve done a few whole 30s. I usually feel so incredible during and after. It is just so so so much though. So much prep work, so much to think about, so many things you just can’t eat. I would love to say I’m going to do a whole 30 before my surgery but I just know that by saying that I’m 100% setting myself up for failure. Instead, I’m committing to a clean 30. 30 days of clean-ish eating. More fruits, veggies, lean meats and healthy fats, less boxed/processed foods. I feel like oatmeal is probably ok, froot loops are not. I just want to make better/healthier food choices whenever possible but I don’t want to limit myself so much that I feel stress over eating or what I can or can’t eat.
Don’t get me wrong. Whole 30 is an excellent way to reset your body and mindset. I just don’t have enough room in my life for that big of a ball to juggle. I am not promising that I will stay away from refined sugar for 30 days, or that I will never eat a handful of gummi bears from the backroom. I am definitely going to partake of s’mores with my kids to check off our bucket list. I’m just going to be more mindful of what’s going into my bod!
Who’s with me?? Comment with your clean 30 aspirations!

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Total Darkness

Yesterday we drove to the Marianna caverns. They’re air filled caves. You go down a set of slippery limestone stairs and into this cave. The temperature remains a constant 65º year round. After coming from the humid 90+ degree day it felt downright chilly in the cave. There is electricity throughout the cave. You have to crouch to get through some areas. In the center of the cave they demonstrated TOTAL DARKNESS. There was literally no light, none. Your eyes will never adjust to total darkness. It’s impossible and hard to describe the totality. Then, the tour guide explained that the early explorers had a single lantern that was as bright as a match. He then lit a match and it’s incredible how much light it threw off. In total darkness there is no light but all you need is a tiny spark to see ahead. Life can be sorta heavy. I mean there are things constantly taking your attention, fighting for prominence in your life. Between housework, kids, work-work, mom life, trying to have a social life, exercising, eating right, and all of the other obligations and expectations it gets heavy.

I’ve had periods in my life where I have felt hopeless. I have had months where life just feels like too much to bear. Or not even too much to bear, just a crushing weight on my shoulders. Still, moving forward just at a snail’s pace.

In April, I had a panic attack. Legit can’t breathe, also can’t stop crying, and just overwhelmed with everything going on, panic attack.  I then reached out and asked my family doctor for an anti anxiety med. I realize there is a weird stigma with mental health and depression and anxiety. People throw it around so casually but it’s real. I’ve been on a low dose of zoloft now for a few months and feel like I can handle life. I’ve been a lot less explosive and the one of the best parts is I’m sleeping! Instead of worrying all night about ridiculous hypothetical scenarios. I don’t know if I’ll take zoloft forever. Right now I’m just focusing on the day to day. I don’t really know why I’m telling y’all this except I am trying to be transparent. I’m definitely not perfect. I’m just so glad I was able to reach out in a moment of total darkness and find that spark.

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T minus 2 months

It’s the 11th of the month. I suppose the 11th will now have meaning to me of every month. From now on it’s a milestone. Two months until surgery. Then one. Then it’s DD day. Then it’ll be one month post op, and two…and so on. Time is going by so quickly. Each week is melting into the next. I got a letter today from the elementary school. Emilia needs a physical form for KINDERGARTEN. The note said to hurry because there’s only one month until school! Logically, I know this. I mean I’ve scheduled pretty much everything around this but for some reason it kinda hit me. I have a month left with my babies. A month of snoozles in the middle of the day. A month of ice cream for dinner. A month of waterslide days. A month to complete our Summer Bucket List. Time is just feeling like a hot commodity. One that I can’t get enough of. Relishing these giggles, and the kids going UP the waterslide despite my attempts to correct them. The tantrums over summer chores. Hours spent with noses between the pages of books. Explosions after dying on their favorite video games. Soaking it in. Remembering it all.

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July

Somehow I blinked and now suddenly it’s July. Things are moving at lightening speed and I’m struggling to keep up. In a month and a few days my kiddos will start school again. Emilia, my newborn, will be a kindergartener. She’ll be fearless and smart and strong. Owen, my angel baby, will be a second grader. That’s such a big, big deal. He’ll continue to read a ton, be a perfect and model student, and continue to make me melt with those big blue eyes and curly blond hair. Gabriel, my rambunctious and big lion hearted boy, will be in 5th grade. A middle schooler. He is the most determined of my kids when he wants to be. He saved up money to buy a guitar so that when he gets to do band in 6th grade, he will be ready. He will thrive at Seaside. Julian, my oldest and most challenging son, will be in 7th grade. I know he will continue to kill it at Seaside. Make more friends, do more things and speak more Spanish. He’s a self starter and so good.

Once they start school it’s only a MONTH until surgery. 31 little days. I’m so glad that I decide to wait until after they start school for surgery. I can’t imagine being bed bound when the sun is shining and they have nothing but time. We have been able to check so many things off our bucket list and we will continue to do so.

It’s freaking me out that it’s already July. Things are getting closer, and more real. I am trying to get my LuLaRoe inventory dwindled down a bit so that I can focus on recovery and not selling/shipping. I’m trying to tie up loose ends so I can focus on recovery for that 2-4 weeks.

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July

Somehow I blinked and now suddenly it’s July. Things are moving at lightening speed and I’m struggling to keep up. In a month and a few days my kiddos will start school again. Emilia, my newborn, will be a kindergartener. She’ll be fearless and smart and strong. Owen, my angel baby, will be a second grader. That’s such a big, big deal. He’ll continue to read a ton, be a perfect and model student, and continue to make me melt with those big blue eyes and curly blond hair. Gabriel, my rambunctious and big lion hearted boy, will be in 5th grade. A middle schooler. He is the most determined of my kids when he wants to be. He saved up money to buy a guitar so that when he gets to do band in 6th grade, he will be ready. He will thrive at Seaside. Julian, my oldest and most challenging son, will be in 7th grade. I know he will continue to kill it at Seaside. Make more friends, do more things and speak more Spanish. He’s a self starter and so good.

Once they start school it’s only a MONTH until surgery. 31 little days. I’m so glad that I decide to wait until after they start school for surgery. I can’t imagine being bed bound when the sun is shining and they have nothing but time. We have been able to check so many things off our bucket list and we will continue to do so.

It’s freaking me out that it’s already July. Things are getting closer, and more real. I am trying to get my LuLaRoe inventory dwindled down a bit so that I can focus on recovery and not selling/shipping. I’m trying to tie up loose ends so I can focus on recovery for that 2-4 weeks.